Vanning Out with Craigslist

The full-sized van is America's spiritual canvas. We're a nation on the move, and a shed on wheels lets us roam without stranding a single piece of emotional or physical baggage. Some vans are luxury conversions shuttling the whole entourage to the tailgate party, while others are windowless beasts of burden. At work or play, vans have carried our most colorful characters, including Uncle Rico, the Bad News Bears, and the A-Team. Charles Bukowski even made a cameo running a wet t-shirt contest in the 1977 vanning freakout, SuperVan.

[Charles Bukowski SuperVan cameo]
Headlights warning, but if your boss doesn't think this is hip, get a new job.

A van is diversely utilitarian, yet sometimes a little odd and socially obtuse. Even the layout is a little off. The interior's console hump hides the engine tucked up near your ankles, and the cavernous rear cargo area carries payloads in fishy anonymity. Worse, high-profile vanners like John Wayne Gacy and Phillip Garrido have earned these vehicles a measure of nefarious mystery. The stigma is so common that web site Suspiciousvans.com does a thriving trade in sharing the most dubious examples captured on the road, with hilarious results.

As we've seen already, I'm a compulsive Craigslist window-shopper. When it comes to vans, the Ozarks have plenty to offer.

Bro Van


Let's be fair. Not all of these hefty haulers are tools of the criminal element. The idea for this post began with an inspiring Craigslist listing dealing with the favorite Ozarkbahn subject: road trips. Three friends purchased "Van Damme" to take on a 3,000-mile journey, and along the way the red Dodge endeared itself as "the 4th member of our trip." Any plebeian SUV or sedan could have fit the bill, but a conversion van has soul. Hard-drinking, bear-wrestling soul.


Calling Dispatch


I have watched an awful lot of the disco-era California highway cop drama CHiPs, and the message about vans is a bit different. If Baker and Ponch taught us anything, it's that shifty old vans can never be trusted. If you saw this tint-sided "mystery van" weaving down the Santa Monica Freeway today, it's definitely full of stolen microchips and Firebird parts.


You Sure Ask a lot of Questions


One has to admire the simplicity of the advertising. No need to embellish. It has an automatic and V8, and it runs. Got $600? Then you have yourself a van. No back seats come with the deal, as they were not needed in it's previous line of work. The brevity makes us wonder, though. Did it belong to an electrician? Drug mule? Serial groper? Uncle Walter?


Coyote Ugly


If burnouts and fast getaways are on the itinerary, this four-speed manual transmission Econoline is the one to get. The panel sides keep the heist under wraps until you crash through the bank door, and the twin gas tanks feeding a 4.9L V8 make the Mexican border appear that much faster.


Free Candy


Okay, maybe my imagination takes liberties, but this 1961 Ford Molesterline may have a few skeletons in the closet. Clowns, ponies, balloons, and from the looks of it, chloroform rags. If Stephen King were serving up rocket pops, this might fit the bill. The rest of us would do well to keep the children at arm's length when this one rolls through the neighborhood.


[Sound of brakes locked up / sliding door opens / tires squeal away]

See you later. I hope.

Best of Craigslist 2009

I don't know how or why, but the Ozarkbahn is now a year-old institution. Perhaps it is the inspiring power of salted possum meats that marshals it on. Maybe the rusted treasures found at the bottom of every holler pique the imagination. Whatever the spark, the key word is "driven." Every Ozark destination entails a journey, and every twisty path demands an appropriate set of wheels. As with 2008, we end 2009 splashing in the area Craigslist's geiser of fascination.

Advert I Most Want to Reach Into the Computer and Slap
Back in the late 80s, a Nissan magazine ad pictured a Hardbody pickup among a field of horses, asking readers to guess how much horsepower was in the photo. Corny, but it got the message across. Sometimes analogies go a little far, and you want to, well, shoot them in the leg and send them to the glue factory. This Nissan Maxima listing is the Craigslist equivalent of saddle sores.



Runner Up: Ugh. Audubon? Autobahn?




The Pinto of Honor
Galloping with the horse theme here with the mighty Pinto. Some of my earliest tortured memories of motoring involve riding in a faux-wood-panelled Mercury Bobcat wagon, the hot-and-heavy cousin of the Ford Pinto. I have a little Stockholm Syndrome for Pintos and Bobcats. Which example is the best the Ozarks' could muster in 2009? The one that dreams of becoming this Mickey Mouse nightmare. Some assembly required. Actually, ALL assembly is required.



Runner Up: this haggard, non-running heap of dents boldly asks $750. Hey, but everything is green. EVERYTHING IS GREEN.




Put it Where it Doesn't Belong Award
Malaise-era Jaguars weren't any good, but in a stunning offering to sleeperdom, someone in the Ozarks fixed everything with a Corvette V8. The GM LS1 swap is such a common upgrade that it's a gearhead running joke. Check engine light on? Time for a LS1 swap. Jaguar break down? Better swap in a LS1.




Runner Up: We've seen plenty of galleries showing plain-wrapper BMWs undergoing Frankenstein M-powered upgrades at considerable expense. This time, an enterprising Ozarkian went with a plebeian small block Chevy. Talk about an affront to roundel nerds who have memorized every BMW engine code and wiring diagram in Barvaria. Excellent work.




Jamie Spears Award for Trans-Am Most Likely to Cause Teen Pregnancy

This Craigslist find was personal, as it sat on a road I traveled daily. I came to admire - lust for - this blue-on-white firechicken with pale leather and matching snowflakes. The exposure time allowed the lunacy of second-gen F-bodies to creep into my web browsing. Just looking, right? That's how dangerous things begin. I mean, after Dazed and Confused, Matthew McConaughey bought a sweet second-gen Z28 to drive in real life. "I get older, they say the same age." Awl raht, awl raht, awl raht.



Runner Up: 1978 Trans-Am. It has the right stuff: white paint, blue tint, cammed out 350, and glorious firechicken decal. However, the seller imagines it worth $25k to $50k with a coat of paint. Such delusional optimism is worth the runner-up spot on its own.




Most Exciting Graphics on the Least Exciting Car
A first-gen Plymouth Neon has the distinction of serving up my most exciting driving moment of 2009. While racing in one belonging to someone else in May, the right-front hub sheared off, leaving the wheel and $250 Hoosier race tire free to bounce down the track. Credit due, they're quick little cars for the dirt prices they demand. Still, Neons are lethally terrible automobiles only an arsonist's flame job can improve. When I saw this hot (rod) mess listed on the Springfield, MO, Craigslist, I knew it was the winner.



Runner Up: a great many mid-1970s Ford Torinos have been converted to the Striped Tomoto driven by detectives Starsky and Hutch. It tends to work best when you start with a shiny red Torino GT and mag wheels, then add your stripes and teardrop perp light. It's not so hairy-chested When you take your great aunt's Torino "Elite" model and brush it red without swapping the nursing home hubcaps. Bonus: ellipsis mania!




Grand Prize
When the Zombie infection rages and society crumbles, you will need one thing: a six-wheel-drive military-surplus M35A2 "Deuce and a Half."

[Wikipedia: M35 2.5-ton Cargo Truck]


An entire family piled out of this beast for an outing at Alum Cove State Park.

They look mean, cost relatively little, and are rugged enough to roam every inch of the Ozarks. Some versions even came with a flex-fuel engine that would run on anything combustible you could pour in the fuel tank. Maybe even braaaaaaains. The versatile M35A2 appeals to all stripes of hardy Ozarkians, including survivalists, off-roaders, rural fire departments, militias, the A-Team, and local rap stars. I have seen half a dozen of them over the last few months. It turns out there's even an active club for trucks like these in Arkansas.

[Arkansas Military Vehicle Travelers]

They're hard to miss, but I didn't take much notice of these M35 behemoths until I eyeballed this one in Diamond, MO. A Craigslist search revealed the owner has had a number of these for sale.



In fact, there are a whole lot of these pop up if you're looking. And you should be, for when the zombies attack. I'll be in my bunker until Y2K10.

Craigslist Update: Ozark Rolling Malaise

In the late 1970s, gas lines were too long and shorts were too short. In the midst of Jimmy Carter's woeful "national malaise," cars took a turn for the crappy. They were generally slow, heavy lumps with engines choked by slapdash emissions systems. Worse, the most popular color was brown. Metallic brown.



Craigslist reveals the Ozarks are a polyester fountain of solid gold hits from this period, and we need to take a look. Slick back your eyebrows, and let's dive bell-bottoms-first into these beautiful beasts.

First off, there's something momentous about a 1970s Cadillac. They're gigantic, and ride as smoothly as a water bed (yet handle corners worse than a water bed). A time capsule of period style and extravagance, Caddys were the choice of every well-heeled professional, from oil tycoons to pimps. Even Ozark trucking magnate J.B. Hunt had one, and it was for sale in Bentonville recently. What can brown do for you?



"Now this was a superior machine. Ten grand worth of gimmicks and high-priced special effects. The rear windows lit up with a touch like frogs in a dynamite pond. The dashboard was full of esoteric lights and dials and meters that I would never understand." - Raoul Duke, driving a Cadillac in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas


This 1979 Trans-Am is the curl in your mullet, the flavor in your flavor-saver. Glorious light blue leather, white snowflake wheels, and a mandatory blue firechicken on the hood. Kicker? This one from Rogers is much like the one owned by Vice President Joe Biden.




The seventies don't end there, baby. Here's a disco-fresh 1977 Corvette in Rogers with bitchin' custom paint and white leather interior. I have to credit for it being a legitimate, poser-proof four-speed (not an automatic), but I'm still seeing Mark Hamill in Corvette Summer here. A bare-chested gold medallion on wheels.




An icon of the late seventies and early eighties was the Checker Marathon. On the sitcom Taxi, the Marathon was as much as star as Andy Kaufman or Danny DeVito. The Checker Motor Company built almost nothing but taxis, and they were a fixture of urban movie sets.



While the taxicab version was common, the stretched Checker Aerobus was super-rare, and guess where you can find a pristine sedan-back eight-door? Rogers, Arkansas. Wow.


Lastly, this 1984 Jaguar XJ6, the youngest in the group. The Series III Jag XJ was born in the late 1970s, a time when Britain spent most of its time on strike. This meant the car's electrics and rust protection worked about as much as the people who assembled it. Don't look for many left on the road.


However, any living, breathing Jaguar of this vintage is a special thing, as only a labour of love could keep one running. Sometimes you get real devotion, and a 5.7L LS1 from a 2001 Corvette appears under the bonnet, as with this one in Bentonville. Take a stately car that's gone sixes and sevens, nick a stonking great Yank V8, and Bob's your uncle.

Smashing.

Craigslist in January

You need a fine set of wheels to travel the Ozarks, and Craigslist's great harvest never disappoints.

Maybe a rare drop-top roadster? Jay Leno shows us the vintage Honda SM600 looks and sounds great (no, seriously, watch the last 90 seconds). A few weeks ago I found one listed up the road in Aurora, MO. Only five grand, and just a hair's breadth away from Summer fun. Do they sell elbow grease in 55-gallon drums?

If you're a little more hairy-nipple'd, this '71 Jeepster is pretty cool. Uncommon find, and according to the original Jeep advert, "In town, this ruffian becomes a lady's man." Chicka-chicka bow-wow.



You know what's also sexy? Spelling your car's name rite. You'll pick up all kind of birds driving your one-off Porsche 924 Audubon Special. Audubon? Autobahn? Ozarkbahn?

But hey, you don't need an antique to get your thrills. 4th-gen F-bodies are plentiful and powerful, a tire-smokin' staple of the Ozark wilds. Am I doing a Ozarkbahn Craigslist Picture of the Month? If I were, here's your January winner, straight out of my native Fayetteville.


1993 Firebird Formula [mirrored here]

Most sellers would love to claim their vehicles were owned by an elderly bi-weekly grocery shopper with a habit for religious maintenance. Let's be honest, though. If you own a Firebird, it spent most of its life as shown in the picture: doing burnouts in front of the elementary school by your house. Don't hide it. The listing says the car "will need a paint job." A picture like this says it will also "need a torque converter, differential, and rear tires."

What now, y'all?

Best of Craigslist 2008

Craigslist, the grassroots classifieds monolith, is essential to any study of Ozark motoring culture. It's a treasure of backyard V8 conversions, mint hearses, and defunct European sedans.

I'm a compulsive Craigslist browser. I've even bought a car off Craigslist, a narrowly successful $500 adventure in retrieving an Infiniti-turned-squirrels'-nest from a shed in rural SW Missouri. Priceless, yet tortured memories.

With 2009 days away, I have to pick a winner from this pool of greatness. My favorite find (and the competition was fierce) in 2008 was this Lisa Frank "Munster" of a 80s show truck, a 1985 Toyota 4X4 in Rogers, AR. [mirrored here]



First of all, it's the rad torquoise frame paint-up and period-correct hot pink graphics. The overdone roll bars with an excess of off-road lights are more eighties gold. Plus, the proud, persistent, all-caps re-listings for weeks and weeks on end. "YOU FEEL LIKE A MOVIE STAR WHEN YOU DRIVE THIS ITS AWSOME."

Whoa, totally, dude.

But the deal maker, the truck's party piece, is that it's the real-life version of the all the George Trosley comics I read (again and again) in CarToons magazine in the 80s. I was weaned on ridiculous hot rods doing wheelies, jokes about running from the police, and of course, lots of exaggerated 4x4s.

I actually have this issue somewhere:



Tubular.