Craigslist Update: Ozark Rolling Malaise

In the late 1970s, gas lines were too long and shorts were too short. In the midst of Jimmy Carter's woeful "national malaise," cars took a turn for the crappy. They were generally slow, heavy lumps with engines choked by slapdash emissions systems. Worse, the most popular color was brown. Metallic brown.



Craigslist reveals the Ozarks are a polyester fountain of solid gold hits from this period, and we need to take a look. Slick back your eyebrows, and let's dive bell-bottoms-first into these beautiful beasts.

First off, there's something momentous about a 1970s Cadillac. They're gigantic, and ride as smoothly as a water bed (yet handle corners worse than a water bed). A time capsule of period style and extravagance, Caddys were the choice of every well-heeled professional, from oil tycoons to pimps. Even Ozark trucking magnate J.B. Hunt had one, and it was for sale in Bentonville recently. What can brown do for you?



"Now this was a superior machine. Ten grand worth of gimmicks and high-priced special effects. The rear windows lit up with a touch like frogs in a dynamite pond. The dashboard was full of esoteric lights and dials and meters that I would never understand." - Raoul Duke, driving a Cadillac in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas


This 1979 Trans-Am is the curl in your mullet, the flavor in your flavor-saver. Glorious light blue leather, white snowflake wheels, and a mandatory blue firechicken on the hood. Kicker? This one from Rogers is much like the one owned by Vice President Joe Biden.




The seventies don't end there, baby. Here's a disco-fresh 1977 Corvette in Rogers with bitchin' custom paint and white leather interior. I have to credit for it being a legitimate, poser-proof four-speed (not an automatic), but I'm still seeing Mark Hamill in Corvette Summer here. A bare-chested gold medallion on wheels.




An icon of the late seventies and early eighties was the Checker Marathon. On the sitcom Taxi, the Marathon was as much as star as Andy Kaufman or Danny DeVito. The Checker Motor Company built almost nothing but taxis, and they were a fixture of urban movie sets.



While the taxicab version was common, the stretched Checker Aerobus was super-rare, and guess where you can find a pristine sedan-back eight-door? Rogers, Arkansas. Wow.


Lastly, this 1984 Jaguar XJ6, the youngest in the group. The Series III Jag XJ was born in the late 1970s, a time when Britain spent most of its time on strike. This meant the car's electrics and rust protection worked about as much as the people who assembled it. Don't look for many left on the road.


However, any living, breathing Jaguar of this vintage is a special thing, as only a labour of love could keep one running. Sometimes you get real devotion, and a 5.7L LS1 from a 2001 Corvette appears under the bonnet, as with this one in Bentonville. Take a stately car that's gone sixes and sevens, nick a stonking great Yank V8, and Bob's your uncle.

Smashing.