Advert I Most Want to Reach Into the Computer and Slap
Back in the late 80s, a Nissan magazine ad pictured a Hardbody pickup among a field of horses, asking readers to guess how much horsepower was in the photo. Corny, but it got the message across. Sometimes analogies go a little far, and you want to, well, shoot them in the leg and send them to the glue factory. This Nissan Maxima listing is the Craigslist equivalent of saddle sores.
Runner Up: Ugh. Audubon? Autobahn?
The Pinto of Honor
Galloping with the horse theme here with the mighty Pinto. Some of my earliest tortured memories of motoring involve riding in a faux-wood-panelled Mercury Bobcat wagon, the hot-and-heavy cousin of the Ford Pinto. I have a little Stockholm Syndrome for Pintos and Bobcats. Which example is the best the Ozarks' could muster in 2009? The one that dreams of becoming this Mickey Mouse nightmare. Some assembly required. Actually, ALL assembly is required.
Runner Up: this haggard, non-running heap of dents boldly asks $750. Hey, but everything is green. EVERYTHING IS GREEN.
Put it Where it Doesn't Belong Award
Malaise-era Jaguars weren't any good, but in a stunning offering to sleeperdom, someone in the Ozarks fixed everything with a Corvette V8. The GM LS1 swap is such a common upgrade that it's a gearhead running joke. Check engine light on? Time for a LS1 swap. Jaguar break down? Better swap in a LS1.
Runner Up: We've seen plenty of galleries showing plain-wrapper BMWs undergoing Frankenstein M-powered upgrades at considerable expense. This time, an enterprising Ozarkian went with a plebeian small block Chevy. Talk about an affront to roundel nerds who have memorized every BMW engine code and wiring diagram in Barvaria. Excellent work.
Jamie Spears Award for Trans-Am Most Likely to Cause Teen Pregnancy
This Craigslist find was personal, as it sat on a road I traveled daily. I came to admire - lust for - this blue-on-white firechicken with pale leather and matching snowflakes. The exposure time allowed the lunacy of second-gen F-bodies to creep into my web browsing. Just looking, right? That's how dangerous things begin. I mean, after Dazed and Confused, Matthew McConaughey bought a sweet second-gen Z28 to drive in real life. "I get older, they say the same age." Awl raht, awl raht, awl raht.
Runner Up: 1978 Trans-Am. It has the right stuff: white paint, blue tint, cammed out 350, and glorious firechicken decal. However, the seller imagines it worth $25k to $50k with a coat of paint. Such delusional optimism is worth the runner-up spot on its own.
Most Exciting Graphics on the Least Exciting Car
A first-gen Plymouth Neon has the distinction of serving up my most exciting driving moment of 2009. While racing in one belonging to someone else in May, the right-front hub sheared off, leaving the wheel and $250 Hoosier race tire free to bounce down the track. Credit due, they're quick little cars for the dirt prices they demand. Still, Neons are lethally terrible automobiles only an arsonist's flame job can improve. When I saw this hot (rod) mess listed on the Springfield, MO, Craigslist, I knew it was the winner.
Runner Up: a great many mid-1970s Ford Torinos have been converted to the Striped Tomoto driven by detectives Starsky and Hutch. It tends to work best when you start with a shiny red Torino GT and mag wheels, then add your stripes and teardrop perp light. It's not so hairy-chested When you take your great aunt's Torino "Elite" model and brush it red without swapping the nursing home hubcaps. Bonus: ellipsis mania!
Grand Prize
When the Zombie infection rages and society crumbles, you will need one thing: a six-wheel-drive military-surplus M35A2 "Deuce and a Half."
[Wikipedia: M35 2.5-ton Cargo Truck]
An entire family piled out of this beast for an outing at Alum Cove State Park.
They look mean, cost relatively little, and are rugged enough to roam every inch of the Ozarks. Some versions even came with a flex-fuel engine that would run on anything combustible you could pour in the fuel tank. Maybe even braaaaaaains. The versatile M35A2 appeals to all stripes of hardy Ozarkians, including survivalists, off-roaders, rural fire departments, militias, the A-Team, and local rap stars. I have seen half a dozen of them over the last few months. It turns out there's even an active club for trucks like these in Arkansas.
[Arkansas Military Vehicle Travelers]
They're hard to miss, but I didn't take much notice of these M35 behemoths until I eyeballed this one in Diamond, MO. A Craigslist search revealed the owner has had a number of these for sale.
In fact, there are a whole lot of these pop up if you're looking. And you should be, for when the zombies attack. I'll be in my bunker until Y2K10.
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