[Charles Bukowski SuperVan cameo]
Headlights warning, but if your boss doesn't think this is hip, get a new job.
A van is diversely utilitarian, yet sometimes a little odd and socially obtuse. Even the layout is a little off. The interior's console hump hides the engine tucked up near your ankles, and the cavernous rear cargo area carries payloads in fishy anonymity. Worse, high-profile vanners like John Wayne Gacy and Phillip Garrido have earned these vehicles a measure of nefarious mystery. The stigma is so common that web site Suspiciousvans.com does a thriving trade in sharing the most dubious examples captured on the road, with hilarious results.
As we've seen already, I'm a compulsive Craigslist window-shopper. When it comes to vans, the Ozarks have plenty to offer.
Bro Van
Let's be fair. Not all of these hefty haulers are tools of the criminal element. The idea for this post began with an inspiring Craigslist listing dealing with the favorite Ozarkbahn subject: road trips. Three friends purchased "Van Damme" to take on a 3,000-mile journey, and along the way the red Dodge endeared itself as "the 4th member of our trip." Any plebeian SUV or sedan could have fit the bill, but a conversion van has soul. Hard-drinking, bear-wrestling soul.
Calling Dispatch
I have watched an awful lot of the disco-era California highway cop drama CHiPs, and the message about vans is a bit different. If Baker and Ponch taught us anything, it's that shifty old vans can never be trusted. If you saw this tint-sided "mystery van" weaving down the Santa Monica Freeway today, it's definitely full of stolen microchips and Firebird parts.
You Sure Ask a lot of Questions
One has to admire the simplicity of the advertising. No need to embellish. It has an automatic and V8, and it runs. Got $600? Then you have yourself a van. No back seats come with the deal, as they were not needed in it's previous line of work. The brevity makes us wonder, though. Did it belong to an electrician? Drug mule? Serial groper? Uncle Walter?
Coyote Ugly
If burnouts and fast getaways are on the itinerary, this four-speed manual transmission Econoline is the one to get. The panel sides keep the heist under wraps until you crash through the bank door, and the twin gas tanks feeding a 4.9L V8 make the Mexican border appear that much faster.
Free Candy
Okay, maybe my imagination takes liberties, but this 1961 Ford Molesterline may have a few skeletons in the closet. Clowns, ponies, balloons, and from the looks of it, chloroform rags. If Stephen King were serving up rocket pops, this might fit the bill. The rest of us would do well to keep the children at arm's length when this one rolls through the neighborhood.
[Sound of brakes locked up / sliding door opens / tires squeal away]
See you later. I hope.
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